We all want to believe our relationship is perfect, unique, and meant to last. Even if we acknowledge there is room for improvement, we often want to be able to resolve it ourselves. And it doesn’t help, either, that relationship counseling suffers from the same stigma as every form of counseling: that if you go, there must be something wrong. For these reasons and others, Brian Doss, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of Miami, says the average couple endures six years of unhappiness before seeking couples counseling. But in my opinion, you don’t need to wait that long. You don’t even need to be unhappy. You just have to know what relationship counseling is, how it can help, and whether it’s for you.
When you should consider couples counseling
“Same issues, different tactics, same results” — that’s what I tell anyone who asks me whether they should seek couples counseling. Here is the three-step consideration: Couples who fight about the same issues, try different tactics, and end up with the same results, are having a difficult time communicating past their issues. What does communicating past an issue mean? It means working through it within the relationship. It means reaching a point where it no longer remains such a trigger. Since couples will inevitably experience hardship together, it’s essential that they have this ability to eventually move beyond issues; otherwise they will continue to pile up.
What exactly is relationship counseling (and how does it work)?
Relationship counseling is an opportunity for a couple to examine why their communication is blocked. Now, sometimes the content, or what the couple is fighting about, is the problem. For example, a couple might disagree about whether to have a child. In this case, couples therapy can be helpful for the basic reason that it represents a space where the conversation can take place. More often than not, however, the process — or how the couple is fighting — is the important consideration. It does not matter what the issue is if the pattern of discussing it is one person yelling and the other person crying. Couples therapy, then, is where these patterns can be noticed by the therapist and presented to the couple as something that needs changing. Of course, this is hopefully done in a space that is comfortable, safe, and neutral. Here’s a basic four-step process:
Benefits to you and your partner
On a relationship level, couples counseling provides, in many cases, the best chance you and your partner have for reversing destructive communication patterns or making big, life-altering decisions. On an individual level, couples counseling can help each of you become a better communicator. What does this mean, exactly? In session, you will learn that healthy communication takes practice. It is not easy to place ourselves in the shoes of another person and feel what they are feeling. Good communication also takes awareness. Your therapist will work with each of you to uncover your attachment modes — in other words, the way you communicate based on early life experiences.
How to make relationship counselling work for you (step-by-step)
Now that you understand the benefits of relationship counselling, what should you do to make it work for you and your partner? Here’re the steps:
Final thoughts
Though many people have heard about relationship counselling, not so many couples are willing to try it even if they have relationship problems. Many couples have the question “Is relationship counselling for me/us?” Hopefully, this article has answered all the common questions people have about relationship counselling – When should they consider it? How does it work? Does it really work? How to utilize it for their best benefits? You don’t need to reach the saddest point in your relationship to reach out for relationship counselling. Just take relationship counselling as an opportunity to help your relationship grow and better you and your partner’s communication patterns! Featured photo credit: Rainier Ridao via unsplash.com
